COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS
When there is a deterioration in communication, it often happens that there is a gulf between the intention of the sender and the interpretation of the receiver. This is when we speak of "dialogue of the two sides of the argument", or ineffective communication, to use more technical terms.
Most often, the message is sent incorrectly and inoperatively, which makes it impossible to actually translate the message according to the sender's intention. But it can also be the case that the receiver interprets messages in a systematically destructive way.
Between a SENDER (the one who sends the message) and a RECEIVER (the one who receives it), there is a MESSAGE that has a CONTENT (what is meant) and a FORM (how it is said).
The SENDER sends a message with an OBJECTIVE (with an INTENT). The RECEIVER INTERPRETS that message according to that content and form:
Suppose that a sender whose message is aimed at getting the other to go shopping at the supermarket (his intention is correct) may disturb marital harmony, causing a minor argument by distorting the objective:
- Go and buy the food!" (The intention according to the form used seems to be to ORDER).
- If you don't go now, we won't go out on Saturday" (CHANTAJE).
- It is your responsibility, so please go and buy food" (MORALISE).
- If you weren't just looking out for your own, you should be aware that we have to do the shopping" (CRITICISE).
- Are you going to do the shopping or are you one of those little people who don't want to do anything?
- You are not going to buy because you are taking revenge for yesterday" (DESTRUCTIVE).
- You're useless, you're not even good enough to go shopping" (DESPRECIATE).
These are all examples of Destructive Messaging, wrong ways of sending a message that will probably not only fail to get the spouse to do them this favour, but will also provoke anger.
The first law of communication is to be very clear about the objective before we start speaking. Therefore, it is important to pay attention to the way we speak, so that our intention cannot be distorted; following the example, a correct and pleasant way of asking to go to the supermarket to buy food would be:
"Honey, if you're not busy, could you go shopping at the supermarket?"
This way we communicate what we want and we will probably get him or her to go shopping, as our spouse will not be annoyed by the pleasant form of the request.
At other times the source of miscommunication may lie with the receiver, either because the form of the message is not entirely correct, or because the receiver is a very sensitive personality, the messages can then be translated in a destructive way.
Let's look at an example:
ISSUER:
"You came early today." (Verbal communication is correct.)
RECEIVER:
"You mean the other days I come late, don't you?"
"Don't bother, I know perfectly well that it's too late for what you would want."
"Of course, if not, I know which faces I'll have to put up with!"
This would be an example of misinterpretation. The receiver is suspicious of the sender's intention and reacts as if the sender is going to criticise. If we assume that you are reading this section, it is probably because you want to improve your communication. We therefore advise you:
- When addressing your partner, i.e. when acting as a sender, take care of the content and form of your message so that it does not lead to misinterpretation (avoid destructive forms).
- When you listen to your partner, i.e. when you act as a receiver, try not to be suspicious or guessing. Even if the form is not entirely correct, keep in mind that the most important thing is to maintain marital harmony; a distorted interpretation will only bring discomfort.
These two objectives, which seem simple and common sense, are important enough. If your main objective is not to achieve healthy communication, which means thinking about your spouse's feelings when you talk, advice will be of no use.
