SEPARATION AND DIVORCE
A romantic relationship often ends when one of the partners decides for some reason to leave and consistently refuses to use any available means to make things work (e.g. with the help of a third person). This situation often occurs when one of the partners finds certain traits and characteristics (or lack thereof) unacceptable.
Either the person refuses (or is unable) to work to change these traits, or refuses to live with the discomfort that these traits produce.
The person who is in the conflict of whether or not to make the decision to leave may well be referred to Ellis' hedonic calculation method ("pros and cons") which involves helping the person to examine the positive and negative consequences of leaving in the short and long term. People find it helpful to consider the pros and cons, just look at the list, see if the answer jumps out. If not, give each item a score from one to ten; add up the scores and consider the part with the highest score as being closest to the likely "right decision" of the decision to be made. Doesn't that sound easy? So why is there so much ambivalence about whether or not to get out of a relationship that is perceived as no longer working?
The most common irrational belief that holds together a relationship that is not working is the demand for certainty that there will be no regrets once the relationship (no matter how unsatisfactory) is over. Included in this demand for certainty is the markedly irrational belief that no important decision can be made if there is the slightest shadow of doubt, and that perfect solutions can always be found if you look hard enough. The challenge to this belief is to correct this misconception and to realise that certainty about anything does not exist, has not existed and probably never will exist; least of all about something as subject to change as whether one's relationship will get better or worse. Experience has shown that people often regret after making decisions regardless of how "sure" they were when they made the decision, so it is advisable to accept uncertainty from the outset.
There are many factors to consider when working through the question of whether or not to stay together with a partner in conflict:
1.- Are both partners willing to work on (with all possible means) the issues that have caused one or both of them to consider separation. As long as the answer remains yes, the relationship remains viable.
Are they willing to sacrifice unfulfilled emotional desires for the practical things the relationship offers (e.g., financial stability, companionship, or help with parenting) or are they more likely to lack the motivation or resources to find a more emotionally satisfying partner after the current relationship ends. If the answer to either of these two questions is yes for both partners, then it is possible that the relationship can continue for practical reasons.
3.- Is the relationship lacking in practical compatibility and yet you have stayed together, so far, for emotional, romantic or sexual reasons? If so, can you learn to work together to help find solutions to these practical issues of daily living and continue the relationship for emotional reasons? Where this is the case, both partners can work on coming to terms with the practical discomforts in the marriage. This will help to reduce the feelings of anger, sadness and general dislike that each feels towards the other as a result of what is usually described as mutual damnation. they may then be able to concentrate on enjoying the emotional relationship that brought them together in the first place.
These questions ask whether there is a possibility that the relationship can continue with an acceptable amount of satisfaction and happiness for each partner. If so, the question remains as to how to provide the missing elements in the relationship. This depends on how hard the couple works to resolve their conflicts. When they agree to work together for change or acceptance, they should leave no stone unturned in their efforts.
However, if one partner feels dissatisfied with the relationship and does not want to work with the other person to bring about change or acceptance of those things about which they feel dissatisfied, then it is better to end the relationship. Once the relationship is in fact over, RET attempts to help the partners to feel free of disturbance as soon as possible by changing the Irrational Beliefs that block their natural recovery process. He has also pointed out, in an extensive series of books and articles, some of the main things that can be done in order to actively and directively challenge these Irrational Beliefs and replace them with rational philosophies or self-dialogues.
